sunny days.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

hurrah indeed

9:59 pm

well another busy saturday has just past

happy easter btw

but it was major busy at work =/ and we short on staff. with a locum ( though he seemed to cope and didnt mind but i think he did. deep deep down he didnt anticipate being busy for 4 hours straight) sigh dont think he'll want to do that again will he.

anyways hurrah for guitar hero.
hurrah for its super awesomeness
hurrah for me being a noob and only doing easy on all 3 games =) doing well but.
shutup.
i dont wanna do medium.
i cant even do that last song on easy on guitar hero 3. if i cant do that WELL i am not moving on.
but hurrah indeed.

hurrah for facebook and its awesome photo sharing capabilities.

hurrah for allied health! which some people thought was a CRAP night but i though it was relatively good. better than last time. and my feet DO still hurt from it =/
>got few good photos
>had a funny voyage to the actual place
>met people on the way
>met people from high school i havent seen in YEARS. a long time
>had to swap between uni people and school people but worked out in the end
>few people got drunk
>a few drinks got spilled (one by me and NO i was not drunk - i only had 2 drinks)
>a few hot guys
>none paying attention to us-probably my fault kristy its ALWAYS ME =(
>good music
>dirty dancing
>glass everywhere on the floor
>few people upset
>seedy guys *shudder*
>old guys
>blood on shirts
>nudity
>ooh la la
>fun had by all really
>ended too early

but all in all hurrah indeed.

i finally watched anchorman and ratatouille- thanks jordan for watching it with me. even though the rest of the boys were falling asleep by the end of it.

must go see step up 2

but atm should sleep early to wake up tmw to do my report on sterile stuff. ARGH.

shawty got low low low low low low low low....

wasting your time at 9:59 pm

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

do you agree with me?

11:34 pm

oh how much do i <3 skins?

much much

well uni has commenced quite a while ago and its the same same. cep harder and more annoying since i dont remember half the stuff you are meant to know for this year that was learnt last year, except some things make more sense now but others are just more and more confusing.

i hate needles and vaccinations. and seeing my blood in quite a large looking vial makes me queasy to my knees and beyond. my arm HURTS.

but what has to be done is done.so far.

yet i must remember to see the doctor more often. i am a Z person. but this building constant pressure in my head is a cause for concern. i dont think its a migraine because it doesnt hurt. its just there. and the only relief i have is to crack my neck which is not something youre meant to do. what to do. at least the nurse seemed genuinely concerned haha. to be nice enough.it is however i thnk getting progressively worse...

allied health is on soon, hoorah!

and for all those who actually bother to check my blog every so often i have my saturday and friday nights free now. double hoorah! i plan to use them wisely this year. time for ME.

and well...i cant wait til winter comes. i've had enough of hot weather. i want cold.
i want jeans and boots and scarves and cardigans. i want not having to smell sweaty people that always seem to seat in my vicinity. it just makes me nauseous really.
but i am going to miss beach days.

i should sleep. and so i shall.

WATCH SKINS.

wasting your time at 11:34 pm

Thursday, February 28, 2008

i want to

12:14 pm

spend more time on myself this year.

spend more time to hang with friends.

spend more time making new friends.

spend more time travelling.

spend more time taking photos.

spend more time making memories.

spend more time being happy.

everyday people-arrested development.

wasting your time at 12:14 pm

Thursday, February 21, 2008

deepening into despair...

12:38 am

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

i had a dream. upsetting as it was it also was sheer relief that this fear that still lies with within my heart that he will dash my heart to pieces again with the person that was at the beginning. i could feel the overwhelming pain spreading throughout me once again and i think that's when i woke up.
to find that it was not true. i was not sure what to feel. how to feel.
its like i'm waiting for that day. for him to end it all. whether it be with her or someone else...
and once again i fear i will make myself feel the fool- finding out through other means than the source it should come from. i still remember that day... wanting to run in the oncoming rain until i felt numb and my lungs felt exasperated. wanting to collapse and cry but could not like many and had to get on with things. having no one to talk to that day, the pain subsiding, the only person i wanted to talk to was unavailable. i think it was at this time things changed. people asked me why i was so quiet at times. i became wary. i closed in. i had no energy left. nothing left to say...that day...

its not easy but it shouldnt be this hard.

wasting your time at 12:38 am

Thursday, February 14, 2008

wow

1:56 am

this holiday if you can even call it a holiday is f***king pointless really.

maybe i'm just saying it because i am alone.

i cant wait til this week is over.

but it does feel like its all going down in flames.

just like the f***king weather.

fuck it.

wasting your time at 1:56 am

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

MY EYES FFS.

1:11 am

i do not know what is happening to my eyes.
but i dont think theyre meant to be like this.

i did get contacts though
and it is totally weird being able to see things clearly without glasses.
IT IS.
but i like it.
i cant wear them for too long though cos it makes the part underneath my iris
hurt like HELL.
so that's when i gotta take em off or douse my eye with refresh.
oh and they are a bitch to put it.
bitch.

besides that uni starts really soon and looking back on the holidays
i really dont know what i have done for the past two months
not a lot i'd say.
oh wait make that three months.
hmm

there is one thing i need to go though.
get a hair cut.
AHH its like gone disaster on me for the past month.
it just doesnt sit properly!!!=(
and i dont wanna go the hair dressers for them to chop it all off
cos that is what they'll do
they'll chop it all off
even when i tell them not to
they do
ARGH
i loathe hairdressers and their desire to snip off wanted hair
CURSE yousss

i need to find a good hairdresser
if i can do that this year it'll be GREAT.

oh yeah everyone like EVERYONE has to watch skins.
in fact. i'm going to waste the rest of my downloading on skins.
note to self: download season one of skins
i'm glad teevee is back on
but why do they always put it all on one night so you cant watch it when you want to
its not like your IQ or teeboo can record like 3 shows at once
WHY

well after my last post
i dont know if i feel any better than i do now
i think
i've gone numb again to all the crying and depressionness
its just kinda worn me thin
it makes me wonder if its what i'm really feeling
or just the result of too much pondering over the situation
i dont think i'll never know because in all the midst of it
it just feels like overwhelming pain and disgust just sets in at myself because its being so ostentatious and i hate people like that.

it really does feel like when you want to talk to someone
but then again you dont know whether you really do
like how the words are on the tip of your tongue
but they wont come out
or you dont know whether its because you dont want them do
cos if you do of course you cant take it back
the damage it done
but you feel like youre going crazy either way
and telling them wont make a difference
but theyre right next to you
but you feel so far away
like telling people youre fine
but really youre not
and you dont know whether you should tell them or not
because its just a hopeless situation that is just...yeah.

if you ask me why i'm mad at you
why i'm mad
at you
i could go on
for a very long time
a veryy. long. time.
about all the times
that have contributed to this madness
and i wonder if i'd remember tham all
whether i'd go crazy from everything
and i'm sure we'd think after
what the hell are we even trying to make this work
and will it ever work
all the times where i shouldve gotten mad
i realise now
why do i put up with it...
i think i'm just expecting you to...

am i putting myself through too much
am i putting you through too much
are we too much

it just feels empty
that phrase
when you say those words
it doesnt hold any weight
in fact it feels meaningless
because i dont think that you do.
i dont need to hear it.
its not a failsafe at all.

'seen better days...'

wasting your time at 1:11 am

Friday, February 08, 2008

hit me harder.

11:30 pm

i dont know if i want to say this to you but.
i had to let it out somewhere.
i doubt you'll read this though...
or even realise this is about you.
at this point in time.
i cant talk to you.
or i dont know if its i dont want to talk to you.
there is also fear that if i do.
i'll just end up feeling angry like i have for the past two weeks.
i didnt realise it myself but it has been building up since the start of this year.
besides feeling angry it just reminds me of all the times i've felt the same.
and it just makes me cry.
and swear.
and tired.
and just wonder what on earth i'm doing.

i know youre busy.
youre always somewhere.
always with someone.
doing something.
youre a busy person.
but i feel like i'm.. not there. the distance is killing me. there's no communication. no replies. emails. messages. no phone calls. or what constitutes proper phone calls with no consideration.no listening to what i say. not realising i dont live the hours that you do. so what is there.

this is hurting me more than i thought it would.

i dont think i'm expecting much.
maybe i am. maybe i'm that type of person.
i dont think you'd ever tell me.
youre a busy person.
but at the moment i cant... i am not right.
maybe it'll go away. maybe not. its been about two weeks.
today it felt like it was fading. but i'm not sure when it'll go for good.
you dont have to do anything.
i just think sometimes you say things and do things differently. and dont realise there's always collateral.everyone does it i guess.
this is probably unfair. you probably think somewhat in a similar context to me.
but we havent always been peachy keen.
so i think more effort is required.
i dont know if its worth it.

maybe i have too much time to think about all this crap.

dont worry.
youre too busy at the moment.
just...later okay.
sometime later.
when youve settled yourself.
and when i've...yeah.
when i can read this and not cry.
later.

wasting your time at 11:30 pm